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Jun. 26th, 2013 | 09:55 pm

A woman sends her computer scientist husband to the grocery store, saying, "We need two liters of milk. Oh, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen!". A little later, her husband comes back with twelve bottles of milk. "Honey, why did you buy that much milk?", she asks. "Because they had eggs", he replies.

I had a good joke about UDP, but nobody got it.

Did you hear the buddhist tale about the frozen dessert with wafers?
It is an ice-cream koan.

I met an Indian guy today. He's climbed mountains, swum with sharks, flown planes, met the stars, and been in space. His name was Bindair Dundat.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!

A white horse trotted into a pub and asked for a whisky. The barman said "Certainly Sir, which one would you like? We've got Bell's, Teachers', Famous Grouse and we've even got one named after you."
"What, Eric?" said the white horse.

I'm in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year's supply of Marmite — one jar.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up for a date, but she'd popped her clogs.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning! Can you believe that? 2:30am! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I had a buddy back in Arkansas who divorced his wife when he found out she was a virgin. "Why'd you do that?", I asked him. "Well", he replied, "she ain't good enough for her family, she sure ain't good enough for me."

What's an anagram of "Banach-Tarski"?
"Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski".

How many Pascal programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. We buy a new lamp; it's too much trouble to change the bulb.

How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
No.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the swinger from the party that I shagged in the toilets while all those people looked on and your partner whipped my ass with a piece of wet celery?"
She looks at him and says calmly, "No, I'm your daughter's teacher."

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi' jammin'.

An inventor got an interview with the execs of a toy company to demonstrate his robotic snake and lizard. "These robots toys are fully interfaceable with PC, tablets and mobile phones. They respond to Twitter and have bluetooth and WiFi!"
When he switched them on, the snake's eyes lit up for a moment and sputtered put. The lizard twitched, fell over on its side and started to smoke.
The inventor slunk away, dejected. As he left the room he heard one exec say to the other: "Worst case of E-Reptile Dysfunction I've ever seen."

I went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

I rang up my telco last week and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." They replied: "Oh, not you again."

A long time ago there was a captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!". It was a long fight but the crew prevailed and were victorious. The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates.
That evening, the crew were sitting around resting, taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always called for his red shirt before battle. He replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great act of courage.
The next day, ten pirate ships appear on the horizon. The men turned to their captain and waited for his usual command. Calm as ever, the Captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants!".

What noise does a zen cow make?
Mu!

I bought some toothpaste on eBay. It arrived in mint condition.

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?" The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.
Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.
The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.
"Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."
Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"
"I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.

A woman comes to the pharmacy and tells the clerk that her husband is suffering from a bad case of dandruff, asking for something to get rid of it. "Oh, that's easy", says the clerk, "just give him some Head and Shoulders." The woman ponders for a moment, then asks "OK, but... how do you give shoulders?"

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married — for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

I started selling kosher pickles last month, but they're not selling so well. People think they're too hasidic.

One Saturday night, a woman stopped at a bar to have a drink. As she waited at the bar for her drink, she was startled to hear a bowl of pretzels say "lady, you are beautiful!". She was already questioning her sanity when a bowl of peanuts piped up, "lady, you're not just beautiful, you're GORGEOUS!". When the bartender returned with her drink, she told him, "your pretzels said I'm beautiful, and your peanuts said I'm gorgeous!". And the bartender replied, "but of course ma'am, they're complimentary!"

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you gotta hand it to her!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

A midget mystic robbed a bank. The next day, the newspaper printed "Small medium at large".

Does a 80 year old man wear boxers or briefs? Depends!

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!

An American lady was strolling along in a park in Germany, when she saw a man peeing in a bush.
"Gross!", she exclaimed.
"Danke!", he said.

There are only two types of people in the world:

  1. Those that start array indices at 1.
  2. Those that start array indices at 0.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

What do English physicists eat when they visit the seaside?
Fission chips!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure."

Two elephants jumped off a cliff...

BOOM BOOM!

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Comments {8}

Moth

(no subject)

from: moth_wingthane
date: Jun. 26th, 2013 08:49 pm (UTC)
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:D :D :D

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Schneelocke

(no subject)

from: schnee
date: Jun. 26th, 2013 08:51 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for contributing several of these. ;)

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lupine52

(no subject)

from: lupine52
date: Jun. 27th, 2013 04:51 am (UTC)
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That had to be about the most F-ed up April Fools joke I ever read, definitely cards against humanity worthy.

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Schneelocke

(no subject)

from: schnee
date: Jun. 27th, 2013 09:07 am (UTC)
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Thanks. ^^

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Drhoz!

(no subject)

from: drhoz
date: Jun. 27th, 2013 07:00 am (UTC)
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oh dear, oh dear, oh dear

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Schneelocke

(no subject)

from: schnee
date: Jun. 27th, 2013 09:07 am (UTC)
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I aim to please! ;)

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Whitefang Greytail

(no subject)

from: whitefang
date: Jun. 28th, 2013 11:32 am (UTC)
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I love the cliffhanger.

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Schneelocke

(no subject)

from: schnee
date: Jun. 28th, 2013 04:26 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! It seemed like a very appropriate choice for "last not least". :)

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